The truth behind the smile..
Someone said, “You look sad today.”
I said, I am sad every day, today I just did not have the energy to hide it.
It was not bravery. It was surrender.
Because sometimes the weight inside you starts spilling out,
and your body betrays the performance your soul is tired of keeping up.
I have smiled through heartbreaks that hollowed me, laughed in rooms that did not feel safe, shown up when disappearing would have been easier.
I have called myself strong for surviving, but truth is, sometimes I was just too numb to care.
People think sadness is loud, but mine whispers. It sits behind my ribs like an old tenant, quiet, constant, unwelcome.
It does not break me in half anymore, it just sits there, making everything heavy.
Some days I wear it well.
Other days, like today,
it shows up before I can stop it, in my eyes, in the silence between my words, in the way I breathe like it costs me something.
So no, I am not fine.
I just got good at performing fine.
Because I learnt the painful way that the world only claps for strength, never for honesty.
But today, I ran out of makeup and metaphors.
I ran out of energy to convince anyone,
including myself, that I am okay.
And maybe that is what healing really looks like, not smiling through the pain, but letting it breathe for once. I do not need fixing.
I just need space to be seen, not pitied, not analysed, just seen.
So yes, I look sad today.
Because truthfully I am.
And I am done dressing my pain in politeness. Maybe this is the truest version of me, the one that does not fake the light, the one that admits..
I am not fine… and that is okay for today.