What experiences in life helped you grow the most?
THE ONE’S THAT BROKE ME.. RE-SHAPED ME..
Not the pretty milestones. Not the celebrations. Not the moments where everything made sense and people clapped for me. It was the abandonment. The silence. The betrayal. The nights I cried into my pillow so no one would hear the crack in my voice. The months I survived on fumes, emotionally, financially, spiritually and still somehow woke up for Tahjud.
Growth did not come wrapped in blessings. It came wrapped in disappointment.
The biggest growth came from realising that the people I would bleed for would not bruise for me. That when I needed covering, I was exposed. When I needed protection, I was told to be patient. When I needed provision, I was handed excuses. That hurt did not just sting.. It rearranged me.
I grew the most the day I stopped begging humans for what only ALLAH controls.
When I finally understood what it meant when ALLAH says in the Qur’an..
“And whoever relies upon ALLAH, then HE is sufficient for him.” (65:3).
I had been saying I trusted HIM, but I was still trying to control outcomes. I would make du’a and then obsess. Hand it over and then grab it back. That internal tug-of-war exhausted me more than the actual problem.
Another thing that grew me?..
ILLNESS..
When your body humbles you, your ego does not survive. Pain strips you. It teaches you patience in a way comfort never can. When your spine will not allow you to pray 20 rakaats and you are on the floor fighting tears because sujood is the only place you feel safe.. THAT CHANGES YOU.. That makes you understand that worship is not about performance. It is about surrender.
FINANCIAL STRESS GREW ME TOO..
Living hand to mouth. Maxed credit cards. Banks calling. Knowing that money that could ease your burden exists, but is not in your hands. That kind of stress can either rot your heart or refine it. I had moments of anger, oh yes I most certainly did. Did I act on that anger, no I chose not too. I had moments where I questioned fairness. But then I realised something heavy..
Provision does not define worth. Dependence does.
And every time I thought I was drowning, ALLAH threw me something, not always money, but strength. A kind word. A shift in perspective. A reminder that rizq is not just cash.. It is health, iman, clarity, protection from things I do not even see.
THE HARDEST PART OF GROWTH CAME FROM LETTING GO..
Letting go of people who felt familiar but were not safe. Letting go of conversations I desperately wanted to have. Letting go of being understood. Drawing boundaries even when my hands shook. Saying,
“For my peace, I am drawing the line here,”
And meaning it. That was not weakness. That was evolution.
And then there is RAMADAAN..
Standing in Taraweeh when my body is aching and burnt out, but my soul is desperate. Choosing ALLAH over distraction. Choosing silence over revenge. Choosing dignity over drama. Choosing sabr when my nafs wants to scream. This month is not just cleansing me.. It is exposing me to myself.
The truth is, I grew the most when I realised I do not have to chase what is written for me.
What is mine will not miss me. What misses me was never mine.
I grew when I stopped seeing myself as a victim of circumstances and started seeing myself as a woman being sharpened. Tested, yes. But also elevated. Refined. Protected from people and paths that would have destroyed me slowly.
I AM NOT WHO I WAS A YEAR AGO..
I do not panic the same. I do not beg the same. I do not attach the same. I do not tolerate the same. I do not love recklessly anymore. I love with awareness. I give with boundaries. I trust, but I verify. And above all, I return everything to ALLAH before it has a chance to poison me.
The experiences that grew me the most were the ones that made me feel like I would not survive them.
AND YET HERE I AM.. SOFTER WITH ALLAH.. HARDER WITH PEOPLE.. CLEARER WITH MYSELF..